Episode 1
Narrative
BRIDGET [reading email message]
‘Gigi!!
Did you get my message?
Please call me.
Love, John.
P.S: Did you get the flowers?’
BRIDGET
Is he stupid?!
(Writes email)
‘I told you last night, it’s finished.
Sorry. B.
(And don’t call me GIGI.)’
John [on phone]
But please don’t leave me.
BRIDGET
Don’t cry.
Oh, goodbye.
Oh and happy birthday!
Aah, men!
ANNIE
Come on Charley, come on.
Post, Bridget.
Charley and I have the post, haven’t we Charley.
BRIDGET
Give me the post, Charley. [Dog growls]
Give me the post, Charley.
ANNIE
Drop it, Charley.
Oh, good boy!
Oh, telephone bill, gas bill, electricity bill.
Oh.
Ah, what’s this?
Mmm, a parcel for you, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Oh, good.
What is it?
Oh, it’s from mother.
ANNIE
Oh, ‘Bridget darling, this arrived for you and I made you this. Love Mummy.’
Oh, ho-ho, oh very you, Bridget!
BRIDGET
Mother!
Ooh, this is from Argentina.
ANNIE
Argentina. Who from? What does it say?
BRIDGET
[Erm], it says ‘Hello, do you remember me?’
No.
‘Seven years ago we was pen pals.’
‘We was’ - we were pen pals.
Oh yeah, now I remember, it’s Hector!
ANNIE
Who’s Hector?
BRIDGET
He was my pen pal seven years ago.
ANNIE
Oh.
BRIDGET
‘I speak English good now.’ I speak English good.
I speak English well now – ‘and I am coming to England.’
ANNIE
Oh, Latin Americans!
BRIDGET
‘I would like to sleep with you. Do you have a bed for me?’
Oh, he wants to stay here! [Oh]. Ah, ha, ha.
ANNIE
But [erm] what about the rules?
ANNIE
Ooh, a Latin American here, ooh, like Ricky Martin!
Tall, handsome, rich!
So [erm] when is he coming?
BRIDGET
Oh [erm] let me see.
It says ‘November 5th.’
ANNIE
Oh, November 5th.
But that’s …
BRIDGET
… Today!
Sound of knocking on door
BRIDGET and ANNIE
Aaaah!!!
BRIDGET
Oh, oh it’s you Nick!
NICK
Hi, babes!
ANNIE
Hello Nick.
How are you?
NICK
Gr-eat.
Nice muscles.
Here’s your milk.
BRIDGET
Our milk.
You mean our milk you borrowed three weeks ago.
ANNIE
Oh, thanks Nick.
NICK
[Speaking in a mock Italian accent]
I forget nothing!
ANNIE
Would you like a drink, Nick?
Would you like a drink, Nick?
Telephone rings
NICK
Uhh.
ANNIE
I said, would you like a drink, Nick?
NICK
Oh!
Sorry.
No thanks.
ANNIE
Oh, erm, Bridget’s friend is coming.
NICK
Oh yeah.
ANNIE
Aha.
From Argentina.
NICK
Wow!
From Argentina!
What’s she like?
ANNIE
She is a he!
NICK
Huh?
ANNIE
Not a girl, a boy.
NICK
Oh.
Tough guy, ay!
Why don’t I show you how to do it properly!
BRIDGET
Nick, I’ve told you before, nobody uses my bike, nobody, is that clear?
NICK
Why not?
BRIDGET
Why not?!!
If you touch my bike again, you are out - O-U-T, out. Clear?!
NICK
What?
Sound of door slamming
Sound of knocking on door
BRIDGET
I said …
HECTOR
Hello.
ANNIE
Hello.
HECTOR
I am called Argentina.
I am from Hector.
ANNIE
You mean ‘I am called Hector.’
HECTOR
You are called Hector?
ANNIE
Oh, no, no, no, I am called Annie.
HECTOR
I am called Annie.
BRIDGET
No! She means ‘I am called Hector, I am from Argentina.’
HECTOR
You are from Argentina!
BRIDGET
Oh, come in!
ANNIE [sending email]
‘Hi Nadia.
Bridget’s pen pal arrived this morning.’
HECTOR
Hello.
ANNIE [sending email]
‘He is, mmm, strange.’
NICK
Hi babes!
ANNIE
Hello Nick!
[sending email] ‘Oh and Nick from next door is so funny!
He brought our milk back from three weeks ago.’
NICK
I forget nothing!
