The sound that awakened my son was something he’d heard only once before, many
years ago, when he was quite young.
But he recognized it instantly.
It was the sound of a family secret.
Seven days after my funeral, life on Wisteria Lane finally returned to normal.
Which, for some of my friends, was unfortunate.
- Mommy, Mommy!
- Now what?
- Daddy’s home!
- Come on!
- Hey, is anybody home?
- Hey, yeah!
- Yeah, yeah!
- Hey!
- I wasn’t expecting you for a week.
- I have to go back to Frisco in the morning. But I got your call. You sounded a
little frazzled.
- Yeah! It’s been a little rough!
- Hmm, yeah, peaches.
- Daddy, did you buy us any presents?
- Oh, God, presents. Wait up. Let me see.
But I’m not giving it to you unless you promise to go outside right now and
practice throwing for 20 minutes, okay? You promise?
- Get out!
- Who’s open? Go out.
- Deeper. Deeper. Touchdown!
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, no. You got to be kidding. I’m exhausted. I look terrible. I’m covered in
peaches.
- I’m sorry, baby. I got to have you.
- Well, is it OK if I just lie here?
- Absolutely.
- I love you.
- I love you more… Oh, baby.
- Oh wait, I gotta tell you, I was having trouble with swelling, so the doctor
took me off the pill, so you’re just gonna have to put on a condom.
- A condom?
- Yeah.
- What’s the big deal? Let’s risk it.
- Let’s risk it?
- Yeah.
- I can’t believe you tried to kill me.
- Yes, well, I feel badly about that.
I told you, Mrs. Huber came over and I got distracted. It was a mistake.
- Since when do you make mistakes?
- What’s that supposed to mean?
- It means I’m sick of you being so damn perfect all the time.
I’m sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn’t move.
I’m sick of you making our bed in the morning before I’ve even used the
bathroom.
You’re this plastic suburban housewife with her pearls and her spatula, who says
things like “We owe the Henderson’s a dinner”.
Where’s the woman I fell in love with? Who used to burn the toast, drink milk
out of the carton, and laugh?
I need her. Not this cold perfect thing you’ve become.
- These need water.
Bree sobbed quietly in the restroom for 5 minutes. But her husband never knew.
Because when Bree finally emerged, she was perfect.
- I found my earrings, we can go now.
- Was John here today?
- Well, yeah.
- The lawn hasn’t been mowed. I’ve had it; we’re getting a real gardener.
- Why?
- Are you deaf? I just said he’s not doing his job.
- Its dark, you just can’t see that the lawn has been mowed.
- It hasn’t been. Feel this grass.
- I’m not feeling the grass! Let’s just get going, come on! We’re late!
- Take care of it.
- Yes, sir.
- There’s Tanaka. Time for me to go into my dance.
- Good luck, sweetheart.
- Oh, excuse me.
- Ma’am?
- You see that man just walked away?
Can you make sure he has a drink in his hand all night long?
- Yes, ma’am.
